(A)lonely.

Alone not lonely or lonely not alone? This pops up in my mind at least 5 times a day. On my good days I settle on alone and not lonely, even though it is rare, it stills brings me some comfort. Off late I’ve been more social than ever, spoken to and reconnected with so many of my friends; somehow today I still find myself standing in the same pace I stood two years ago, cut off from everyone.

I have never been good at communicating my feelings, I try and write and sometimes it helps a little. Everytime I try to understand myself, my emotions, my triggers I enter a spiral of self-criticism. I start reminding myself of all the terrible things going on the world, just to make myself feel like it’s no big deal. Whatever I am going through, someone somewhere has it worse.

I have people who are really really close to me, who I can open up to, communicate my feeling to. But it isn’t easy. It’s not easy when you are in this toxic relationship with yourself where you’re constantly disappointed in yourself, when you don’t like anything about yourself, when you keep reminding yourself that you aren’t good enough. It’s hard to be on social media not because you start comparing your life to everyone else’s even when you know it’s all fake; but also because once in a while I’d come across a post telling me it’s okay to feel the way I feel and read all these affirmations. This could be an unpopular opinion but, reading those affirmations or those posts, that makes me feel shitter than usual.

I know I’m not the only one who is going through this. There are so many of us. So I don’t want to tell you that we can get through this, because honestly I don’t know how to. I try my best to take it one day at a time. Sometimes all I do is sleep, somedays I am rewatching friends just so that I can hear myself laugh and feel a little better. But what I can tell you is, you’re not alone.

Thank you for reading through this, it was mostly an emotional dump post :)))

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